The British Monarchy is something that I don’t know much of
anything about. In an attempt to figure out exactly where my lack of knowledge
stems from, I made a chart. Please find it below.
Black pudding is gross.
I think the first and second points on that pie chart are
particularly compelling as reasons to be ignorant about the British Monarchy.
As an American child I was conditioned to believe that anyone with an English
accent was probably a villain. Examples:
1. Scar
from the Lion King – Voiced by Jeremy Irons, Scar had an English accent. This
made absolutely no sense, as he is an African lion. Additionally, Mufasa has an
American accent. Was Scar sent to boarding school at a young age? Or is it his
inherent badness shining through?
2. All
major villains in the original Star Wars – For real though, go re-watch them.
Even Vader has an accent! Which is strange because Vader and Mufasa are both
voiced by James Earl Jones. And! AND! George Lucas cast an American actor for
the role of Anakin despite the obvious continuity issues. Nerd rage!
3. Hannibal
Lecter – Even though he was born in Lithuania and attended a French medical
school he speaks with a British accent. I wish he sounded like Arvydas Sabonis,
but that’s just me.
I’m getting off-track. Here is a comprehensive list of
everything I know about the British Monarchy. Don’t worry, it will be short.
1. Elizabeth
II owns corgis, which are probably the cutest dogs in existence. She is also
incredibly old.
2. Edward
VIII abdicated in order to marry some American broad after he was seen palling
around with Hitler.
3. George
VI had a stutter.
I think it’s becoming obvious where that all of my
information is coming from The King’s Speech. Let’s see if I know anything
else.
4. There
was a king they called Richard the Lionhearted. I believe that he was Richard
III? He was the brother of the King from the animated Robin Hood film, and was
off fighting the Crusades at the time of filming.*
5. Whoever
is the monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain is in charge of England,
Scotland, and Ireland. I think. I could be wrong.
6. Princess
Diana married into the royal family and was super pretty.
7. Phillip
says whatever the fuck pops into his head, which is normally hilarious. It’s
like Karl Pilkington, but on a much grander scale.
There you have it, that’s all I know about the British
monarchy. It seems like a pretty outdated and useless system if you ask me. If
you have a Prime Minister and some sort of congressional body, what exactly is
the royal family doing all the time? Judging by the Opening Ceremony of the
summer Olympics, it looked as if they just go to events and look bored.
Get me my corgis!
